I don’t usually write about my feelings for the most of it, for obvious personal reasons. I often think of these feelings as a rite of passage through life. Even though most of these feelings never got the chance to be immortalized on paper, I still reflect a lot about my actions internally and often speak my heart. But today, I want to talk about something that I’ve been struggling with a lot my whole life, and particularly in 2015. I’m sure these sentiments go out to many lost souls especially on the very first day of the year.
Through the years, the mark of the new year has always been a huge fanfare in many cultures. The drop of the ball at times square, the beautiful fireworks polluting the skylines of developed cities, the list goes on and on. We celebrate it because it symbolizes a new beginning. But is it really? It does seem extremely convenient for the mark of a new start, like a refresh button on your internet browser, 1 click and everything restarts. We make new year resolutions and promise ourselves positive change. But change is actually the only constant in our dynamic lives, we hold the power to making change. Not time. But us. We don’t need a new year for promises to ourselves. Everyday is a new day and a new adventure defined by what we make of it. So, why wait?
Now back to my greatest struggle… EXPECTATIONS. We often crush our souls with heavy expectations, from our parents and mostly from ourselves. When we make new year resolutions, we often shoot for the moon and fall amongst the stars or black holes. We set high expectations for ourselves: I must go to the gym every single day, I want to lose 10kg, yadeedah the list goes on. These are high expectation benchmarks that we set for ourselves, then we get depressed and jaded as the year goes by and we improve by increments that do not meet our benchmarks. Expectations have been crushing human souls since the start of mankind.
I didn’t make any new year resolutions of sort this year, mainly because I don’t see the point of making change just because its the new year. Using the new year for change is a mere excuse for laziness. There is no new year magic. It’s just another day. Another reason why I didn’t make any new year resolutions was because I wanted to start my expectations on a low. I’m jaded, just like many others out there. My struggle with expectations has drained me because it was starting to take over my life. With school, friendship and photography. I’m not going to make silly promises for myself and set high expectations. I’m going to take things one step at a time and see where that leads me.
On a much lighter note, I’ve been dreaming of getting bangs and so yesterday, I did it. Awesome korean lady at Sejong snipped it off. Example 1 of positive change. Aaaand I’m done talk about my feelings. I hope 2016 plants empathy and grace in the hearts of all and we don’t let our expectations get the better of us.
I got to spend the last day and night of 2015 with two of my favourite people in the world. I really wasn’t expecting much of tonight but reality actually exceeded expectations this year and I’m so glad it did.
Funny story, we’ve been on the same path since birth. We’ve been in the same schools all our lives and this is the last time we’ll be together. We’ll each take our different paths once university comes to an end and the idea of that saddens me. I will no longer have anyone who loves me irrevocably by my side.
Anyway, it’s 3:21am and life goes on. Hope the new year treats you kindly!